Psalm 139:23-24(NLT)
“23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.”
A woman in her fifties said recently about the man she’s been dating for a while, “He’s too set in his ways for me and I don’t feel like trying to change him.” This was her reason for not wanting to marry him. Spiritually, what this statement said to me was that neither of them is prepared to submit to one another in love. Marriage, at its core, is about mutual submission, humility, and willingness to grow together. Ephesians 5:21 (NLT) reminds us, “And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” When we choose to love and submit to each other in marriage, we aren’t focused on changing each other’s ways but on growing together, learning to serve and support each other in love. True partnership comes when we embrace the differences and flaws of our spouse, trusting that God will shape both of us into the people He’s called us to be.
We all have areas where we are “set in our ways.” It’s easy to look at someone and think, “If only they’d change this or that, life would be so much better.” But the truth is, none of us are perfect. We all come with our own baggage, habits, and quirks. That’s the beauty of grace—it allows room for transformation, not through force or control, but through love and patience. As Colossians 3:13 (NLT) reminds us, “Make allowance for each other’s faults and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.”
In relationships, especially in marriage, the temptation to change others according to our preferences can be strong. However, we must recognize that change does not come from our efforts alone; it comes through God’s grace. The process of transformation is not about molding someone into our ideal partner, but about allowing God to work in each of our hearts and minds. As believers, we are all a work in progress, being shaped and refined by the Holy Spirit. As Philippians 1:6 (NLT) reminds us, “And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” God is the one who completes the work in each of us, and it’s through His grace that transformation happens.
When we approach relationships with the patience and mindset of relinquishing our need to control, and instead invite God to intervene with His transformative power, we open ourselves to His guidance. The goal is to shift the focus away from the other person’s shortcomings and turn it inward, examining our own. Psalm 139:23-24 (NLT) offers a powerful prayer for self-examination. It says, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.” This verse encourages us to invite God to reveal areas within ourselves that need transformation, guiding us to grow in faith and humility.
Many of us don’t feel like changing, but we’re quick to point out when we think someone else needs to. If a successful and harmonious relationship is our desire, that approach won’t work. We need to have the courage to take a honest look at ourselves in the mirror, and ask God to search our hearts and reveal any areas that need changing. This is the first step in allowing Him to transform us. As we allow God to work in our own lives, He equips us to love others with the same grace and patience He shows us.
The desire to change our spouse, or anyone for that matter, can come from a place of insecurity or fear. We might fear that their flaws will impact us negatively or disrupt the harmony we desire. But when we trust in God’s timing and sovereignty, we can rest in the fact that He is the one who ultimately transforms hearts. In the meantime, we are called to love and support those around us, accepting their imperfections while also recognizing that we, too, are imperfect.
At the end of the day, it’s about becoming more like Christ, committing ourselves to love, forgive, and serve others, especially our special person. If our love is true, we’ll desire to love them with the same grace that our Heavenly Father has extended to us. So, the next time we feel the urge to change someone else, let’s pause and ask ourselves, “What is God calling me to change in my own heart? How can I love and serve this person as they are, trusting that God will work in them in His perfect timing?” This demonstrates the humility and grace needed to build strong relationships. When we lead with this level of compassion, we will experience the beauty of transformation that comes only through Christ. ■
Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.
“I Don’t Feel Like Changing”, written by Kim Times, edited by Rev. Fran Mack and KLizzie for Sundie Morning Sistas ©2025. All rights reserved. All done to the glory of God through Jesus Christ, our Lord! SMS is dedicated to inspiring and encouraging Christian Women through the Word of God.