With God, problems, no matter how small or great, can morph into opportunities for growth and blessings. He tells us this in Romans 8:28(NLT), where He says “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” When love is lost, meaning when the person we’ve loved no longer loves us, and thereby breaks their commitment to honor us and the relationship, it feels beyond devastating. The remedy for pain is to love deeper. This will forever be true, no matter how you slice it. We need to understand that in order to successfully navigate the transition from broken to better-than-ever, greater ownership of our authority in Christ must be assumed, so that we love better, smarter, and greater. This means that no trace of the ex-husband’s leftovers is served at the table when the new opportunity of love opens up.
It wasn’t that long ago that people believed God punished spouses that divorced, that He pushed them to the curb and closed up His resources towards them. People struggled in the agony of self-condemnation, and many that were abused, continued to suffer through it for fear of His wrath against them if they divorced. God’s love does not sanction mistreatment or abuse of anyone, but rather frees us from it if we trust Him. When we are finally free, either because the person has left us or we them, the internal work begins.
Proverbs 12:3 tells us that one of the defining characteristics of God’s people is that we have deep roots; we’re anchored in Him. We don’t get that way without allowing His love to get into those deep crevices of our hearts, where it has access to places we don’t want anyone to know about or see. Divorce can leave us even more resolved to keep God’s love at bay, and many times we don’t realize this is what we’re doing.
When deceit and infidelity has caused a relationship to end, and the husband that has had the affair has not tried to restore the trust or isn’t remorseful, the leftover for the wife is sometimes a general mistrust. It manifests itself in ways that is not always apparent. Extreme pessimism about men and their capacity to be committed is one manifestation of it. Another might be bitterness, which unfolds as sort of a controlled undercurrent of anger. Betrayal feeds our insecurities, and because we felt powerless to prevent the pain it caused, anger in the form of bitterness becomes the go-to emotion for many sisters.
What does God’s Word say about this? Hebrews 12:15 (NLT) tells us, “Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.” Bitterness corrupts, and it spreads. God tells us to cut it off so that we’re not failing to receive His grace. In Ephesians 4:31-32, He tells us to put bitterness away from ourselves, and to forgive as Christ has forgiven us.
Our wounded hearts will tell us that this is easier said than done. An excessive need to control, another leftover, may cause us to have problems letting go of self-preservation tools that no longer serve us well. We have to recognize tendencies to deflect, blame, and ignore so that we don’t have to do the work of our souls. If we’ll let him, the indwelling Holy Spirit will do the heavy lifting. He’s waiting on us to allow him to help.
It’s not unusual to hear sisters complain that they’ve been single for longer than they’d like after divorcing. It’s extremely important for them to know that God isn’t withholding the blessing of marriage. They are not being punished because of anything that transpired in their previous relationship, but it is also important to understand that the leftovers have spoiled. They’ve been sitting too long in the belly of our souls and the odor repels the kind of newness we desire. Time to throw out the old stuff and make a beeline for the table God’s prepared. You’re invited to partake of new mercies, and the only thing you need to bring is a heart that is committed to forgiveness and eager to digest more of God’s healing and love. ■
Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.
“Left-overs from the Ex-husband” written by Reverend Fran Mack, edited by Kim Times for Sundie Morning Sistas ©2018. All rights reserved. All done to the glory of God through Jesus Christ, our Lord! SMS is dedicated to inspiring and encouraging Christian Women through the Word of God.